Goals and Anti-goals, by Craig Harper

Put Up Your Hand if…

I often ask my audience members to raise a hand if they want to be successful. Of course, success means different things to different people but, naturally, every hand in the place goes up. Who’s gonna say no to that question?

“Nope, I wanna be a failure.”

Then I ask them to write down (on the paper in front of them) what ‘success’ is.

Here’s What Often Follows:

Me: “Okay guys, you have three minutes – go!”
Participant: “Er, what are we writing again?”
Me: “What success is.”
P: “What success is?”
Me: “Yep, you put your hand up and said you want it. Now, write down what ‘it’ is.”

This stimulating interaction is often accompanied by a sea of blank faces and much staring into space. And more questions.

P: “Can you be more specific?”
Me: “Sure, what is success for you?”
P: “What area of my life?”
Me: “You pick.”

After three minutes of blank faces, tapping of pens and very little writing, I ask them another question:

“Who found that hard?”

Nearly every hand is raised.

When I walk around the room to take a peek at what’s been written, for the most part, there’s a whole lot of not-very-much. When it comes to the pursuit of excellence (or any degree of improvement, for that matter), here’s a few things to consider:

•  If we can’t define it, there’s very little chance we’ll create it.
• When we get clear about what we want, we create a new level of excitement, momentum, enjoyment and effectiveness.
• Many people don’t have a clearly defined vision for their life. They have vague goals or a wish-list (at best). They say they want more, but they can’t tell you what more is.
• Sometimes, the first step is to get clear about what we don’t want (in, and for, our life).

To be fair to my audience, defining success with little or no notice is a tough assignment. However, this activity does help (some) people realise how little clarity and certainty they have when it comes to the process of creating their best life. As you continue along your journey of self-discovery and self-improvement, keep in mind that success doesn’t ‘happen’ to us or fall on our head from a great height. No, we define it and design it. We build it, enjoy it and own it.

Or, as is often the case, we don’t.

The number of people who spend decades hoping that their best life will somehow (magically) find them is staggering. They say they want to live an amazing and exceptional existence, while actually doing nothing to make that goal a practical reality. Typically, they keep doing the same (or similar) while hoping for different. If the effort is mediocre, so too will be the result. Average produces average. Same produces same.

Your Best Life

When you close your eyes, what does you best life look like? Feel like? Sound like? Smell like? In this place, what job are you doing? How many hours are you working? Or, maybe you’re not working at all? Maybe you have your own business? What does your body look like in this alternate reality? Is it leaner? Less exhausted? Healthier? What’s your diet like? Do you exercise consistently? Where do you live? The same house? Town? State? Country? Have you overcome that habit? Confronted that issue? What about your relationships? Are they healthy? Happy? What’s changed to make them better? How often do you take a holiday in this parallel universe? Where do you go? What are you doing differently when it comes to your lifestyle? What changes have you made? Do you have a spiritual aspect to your new-and-improved existence? What does that involve? How do you feel in this alternate reality? Calm? Relaxed?

So, Grasshoppers, what do you need to do (decisions, actions) to begin the process of making the above ‘idea’ a reality?

Conceive and Achieve

If you have never found the time, space or energy to conceptualise (in some detail) your new-and-improved-reality, then you’ve just identified one of your barriers to change. Before your best life can become an external reality (in your physical world), it must first become an internal reality. Conceive it, then achieve it. If you have never spent time strategically and methodically planning your best life (and no, we’re not talking about day-dreaming here), then it’s definitely time for a change. Spend time going through the above process (see above paragraph) and you might just surprise yourself. For those of you who have never immersed yourselves in any kind of visualisation process, I suggest you find a relaxing, quiet and calming place. If this kind of experience is new to you, your ego might tell you that visualisation is new-age mumbo-jumbo. Ignore it.

What We Don’t Want: Our Anti-Goals

Over the years, many (many, many) people have told me that they struggle to find (absolute) clarity and certainty when it comes to their goals, purpose and values. They “kind of” know what they want but struggle when it comes to the matter of being specific about their definition of success.

“I want to be successful – if only I knew what that meant for me!”

Sometimes, in order to gain clarity, perspective and certainty about what we want for our lives (our goals), we first need to identify and label what we don’t want (our anti-goals). When we identify what we don’t want in (the various areas of) our life, then the matter of defining success (for us personally) becomes a more logical and simple exercise. In many ways, it becomes a simple process of elimination.

Here’s an example of how it might work:

Craig: “So Sal, what’s your ideal job?”
Sal: “I have absolutely no idea.”
Craig: “What do you do now?”
Sal: “Work in an office doing admin.”
Craig: “Okay, so we can cross admin off the list?”
Sal: “Yep.”
Craig: “What don’t you like about your current job?”
Sal: “The constant sitting, the repetition and the lack of interaction with people. I’m a people person.”
Craig: “Okay, now we’re getting somewhere. So you want a job that involves some variety, a degree of activity and a little social stimulation?”
Sal: “Yep.”
Craig: “Okay. Do you want a nine-to-five (type) job?”
Sal: “Not really, I’d like something where the hours are not so ‘fixed’. I’m happy to work just as many hours overall but I’d like to be in a situation where my schedule is a little more flexible.”
Craig: “That helps me. In your current job, you spend a lot of time in front of a computer. Many jobs these days require people to stare at screens for much of their time, I’m taking a wild guess that you don’t want to be in that group either?”
Sal: “Good guess.”
Craig: “Anything else you don’t like about your current job?”
Sal: “Well, the people are mostly nice but overall it’s not a very stimulating or inspiring environment. It’s kind of dull and most of us can’t wait to leave at the end of the day. I want to look forward to going to work each morning.”
Craig: “I don’t blame you. So, you’d like to work in a place (or situation) where people are having fun, motivating each other and working towards a goal?”
Sal: “I’d love that.”
Craig: “What else don’t you want from a job?”
Sal: “I don’t want to spend my life listening to the hum of fluorescent lights or working behind a partition.”
Craig: “So, maybe a job that could incorporate an outdoor aspect to it?”
Sal: “Perfect.”

And so the conversation unfolds.

Eliminating Our Way to Clarity

Over the course of another five minutes and a few more relevant questions, Sal and I discover that (among other things) she might enjoy the life of a personal trainer. We decide that, if nothing else, it’s certainly an option worth exploring. Being as she loves to exercise and enjoys the outdoors, this possibility seems to excite her. By identifying what she didn’t want in a job (a straight forward process of elimination and question-asking) we (she) gained a level of clarity and certainty that had previously eluded her. Of course, a career as a PT may not be her final destination but at least she’s now thinking (about her career) in a more productive, logical and creative manner.

We can use the same kind of elimination process for our health, relationships, lifestyle, personal development, financial situation, spiritual life (if we have one) and even our dietary habits.

What is Success for You?

So, if you’re a person who struggles to answer the above question with any level of clarity and certainty, maybe it’s time to identify what you don’t want and work back from there. Works for me, might for you too. :)

As always, love to hear your thoughts, ideas, suggestions and feedback on this post. Even you long-time Lurkers. ;)

written by motivational speaker Craig Harper